Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Randomize
