She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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