I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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