Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
