Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
