Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
