My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
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