You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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