textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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