you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
