I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
