a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
