Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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