I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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