If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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