If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
