The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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