So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
