I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
