now i know why i became what i already was.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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