this boner is exhausting
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
