Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
