Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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