he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
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While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
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Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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