and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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