I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
You pole danced in your parka.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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