I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
