i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize