Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
