These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I DEMAND FORESKIN
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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