The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
