a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
My breasts were aching with rage.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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