ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
