Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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