I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Randomize
