God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
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