the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
