i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
