the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
