oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Randomize
