just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
