I'm really into asian looking animals
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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