Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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