Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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