You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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