I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
