Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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