i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Your penis caused this!
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
