i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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