I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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