Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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