she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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