I think I am morally bankrupt
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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