Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
